It’s Not You, But It Is Up To You
Have you been feeling like everyone around you has their ish together, and you STILL have no fucking idea what you’re doing, what you’re supposed to and wondering why feel so behind? Well I have some news for you, it’s not you. I listened to a podcast recently by Mel Robbins that made me feel a whole lot better about turning 36 this year still not having my ‘life together’. In it, she goes on to explain how humans have, over generations, expanded our life expectancy and retirement age. In Australia (according to my quick google search), the average life expectancy is 82 years old (hmmm). But it wasn’t always like this. It USED to be 35 years old. No wonder we were expected to have children and get married by 21 years old!
As the world gets older, the average expectations that are socially acceptable expand. However sometimes we are still a bit slow to take up the mental side of things.
I am 36 years old, I have no partner, and no children. Do I want both of these things? The partner at the very least. Kids? If it happens, it happens. I’m still trying to catch up with the younger version of me that believed I wouldn’t do much with my life. That I wouldn’t be ABLE to do much with my life. For those that don’t know, I have ongoing medical conditions that I need manage everyday. Growing up, I believed these would hinder my life and limit what I could and couldn’t do. So I gave up before I even tried. This continued on well into my twenties. After a while, I got sick of my health being my whole identity. So I made some changes and continued to make changes to the point where, unless I told you, you would have no idea I had severe life threatening illnesses. Sounds dramatic, I know, but if not managed, then things would be different. One day I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t allow my health to be my whole life, to be my identity. I was tired of believing that I wouldn’t be able to hold a full time job, that I wouldn’t be able to travel on my own, that I wouldn’t be able to live on my own, that I wouldn’t be able to just … live.
Now? Now, I have lived on my own, held multiple full times jobs (at different times of course!), I have educated myself on multiple different topics, including life coaching and development, I have travelled, I have lived in another country. And now? My next goal to conquer, one that I truly didn’t think I could do at all, and was afraid to face, and that is buying a property. I am facing past mistakes, thinking about what I want for my future.
Make no mistake, it’s not always easy (in fact the harder it is, the better the reward tends to be - just think about going to the gym!). You must still take accountability and move your life forward, but if you are feeling stuck, and feeling like you’re not where you want to be, then this blog is for you. This blog isn’t a pity party. I’m not here to give you something to blame for where you are in life, nor does that help. The ONLY thing to blame, quite frankly, is you. You’re the one that got you to where you are now. The best part though? You can change it. At any time. YOU have COMPLETE control over what to do next and one small step at a time. This blog is here to remind you that you do have complete control over how your life turns out. You have the power and skills and ability to move forward. Will you have obstacles? Yup. Will you have things that ARE outside of your control? Of course. It’s how you react and how you respond that you are in control of. Mel Robbins new book, the Let Them Theory says it best. If something or someone is getting you really rilled up, let them. Let people react how they are going to react. Once you let go and just allow them to be them, the more freedom and energy you can spend on yourself. Who the fuck cares what they think? It’s YOUR fucking life, not theirs. Do you think they give a shit about what you think about them? Doubtful. So sit up straight, shoulders back, deep breath, and put one foot in front of the other. The best advise I could ever give anyone is to just be yourself. How do you know you’re being yourself? The less energy it takes. If something doesn’t sit quite right, if something is setting your gut off, or if you feel just uncomfortable, then you’re not being yourself. The best things in my life always come when I’m being my true self. My Authentic Self. My Best Self.
So what now?
Now that you know that you’re not where you want to be, which quite frankly is pretty damn cool! Better than not knowing right? Now it’s time to take the time to figure out where you are, where you want to be and what the gap is in between. Get a pen and paper, any pen and paper. I’ve always gravitated towards Moleskine journals. There’s just something about them, the aesthetic of them, helps bring out of my mind what I need to. So find what works for you.
Here are some steps to follow:
Write down where you are now. What’s been happening? What are your values? Remember to be honest with yourself. Right now, we are writing down where you ARE, not where you want to be. That comes later. A great way to get started with this, is the wheel of life and scoring where you are out of 10 in each area of your life. What I recommend for you to do, is score yourself based on how FULFILLED you feel, not how SUCCESSFUL you are. You could be incredibly successful in one area, but no feel fulfilled. So keep this in mind when scoring. Really face where you are. Allow any feelings that are coming up and really just sit in them. Where are you feeling these feelings? What colour is it? (weird question I know, but it works!) Now I want you to amplify those feelings, really dial them up. I want you to intensify these feelings, and then envision what your life would be like if you stayed on the path you’re on, feeling these feelings? What does your life look like? Are you feeling happy and joy and contentment? Or maybe you’re feeling, shame, guilt and sadness? Either way, dial it up and think about what your life would be like in 5, 10,15 years time, if you stayed on the path that you’re on? Would your life be good? Would it be what you wanted it to be? Or is it no where near where you wanted it to be?
Where you want to be - Ok, so now that you’ve visualised what life would be like if you stayed on this path, now visualise what you DO want in your life? What values does this future version of you have? What actions do they take? How much better would your life be? Have you asked for the pay-rise? Have you quit your job and now making money from your own business? Have you bought a house, and now thinking about marriage or kids? Or are you travelling the world? Whatever it is, write it down. Write down how this version of you behaves. Do they get up early? Have they stopped drinking? Do they think about what they wear each day and how they present themselves to the world? Have they had to remove some friendships? Have they gained some friendships? Who do you surround yourself with now? Levelling up your life is the best feeling ever, but it comes with consequences. Sometimes we have to leave people behind in order to get to the next phase of life. And that’s ok. You don’t do yourself, or that person any good by staying where you are. It is YOUR life. You do not owe anyone anything. Besides, how inauthentic would you be if you stayed in those friendships or those environments? Level up and show them how it’s done! Show them, show the world how they can do it too. There is enough room for everyone to work on their life goals.
The Gap - By now you should have a much better idea of where you are and where you want to be, and who you need to be in order to get there. This next step is simply understanding the gap between where you are and where you want to be. What do you need? Do you need to learn something new? Do you need to have a meeting with someone (like a mortgage broker to buy a house), or a chat with you boss to discuss the promotion and pay rise. What ever that gap is, write it down. I find it useful to go backwards from where you want to be, to where you are now. You want to buy a house, so you need to know how much you can borrow. You then need to know what deposit you will need, which means figuring out how much you need to save each pay. You also need to look into your current expenses. What can be cut? So write down the gap. The steps to get you from where you are to where you want to be.
Evaluate - You’re not done yet! Now you need to have a hard look at your calendar. What I’d recommend to do, is over the next couple of weeks, start to write down and log where you spend your time, what are you doing? Are you spending way too much time streaming videos at the end of the working day? Really be honest with yourself about how you spend your time. Then you need to ask yourself, are you willing to give up these activities and trade them to spend time working towards your goals. Your daily habits reveal where you spend your time.
Take Action - It’s all well and good to do all the planning, but sometimes we get caught up in all the planning. The excitement that it brings. If we aren’t careful, the planning becomes another excuse for not taking action. It can become the reason we don’t take action. This is just another fear manifesting. “I can’t start yet, I don’t have a plan”. The plan will become clearer as you walk the path. Just start. And the rest will follow. You’ll adjust along the way. Believe it or not, but once you get started, it’ll soon be hard to stop! Start so small that if feels ridiculous not to do it.
Celebrate! - Be proud of yourself, because not everyone has the courage to acknowledge the wins, however big or small. We have a habit of only seeing the things we haven’t done, rather than seeing what we have. Be proud that you’ve achieved what you have.
At the end of the day, it’s your life, do with it what you want, but make sure you can say with confidence that you are giving it all you’ve got, to create the life you want and deserve. No one else is going to do it for you. You have to be the one to take action. To really LIVE your life, in whatever way that looks like to you.
If you don’t start today, what makes you think you’ll start tomorrow?
Love Rosie xx
